Finding God in Broken Friendships With Jenna Schroeder

Finding God in Broken Friendships: 
Lessons on Identity and True Need

Join Erin and Jenna in a heartfelt conversation about the lessons learned from broken friendships and the journey toward finding true fulfillment in God. They dive deep into how friendship and identity intersect with faith, sharing personal experiences and struggles. They reflect on the importance of recognizing human limitations in relationships and finding peace and joy through reliance on God. Key Bible verses such as James 1:17 are referenced to highlight the spiritual insights gained. Jenna also shares exciting updates about her upcoming kid's book and how listeners can connect with her further.

00:00 Introduction and Initial Thoughts

00:09 The Pain of Broken Friendships

00:40 Realizing True Needs

01:13 Grieving and Bargaining

02:24 Expectations and Limitations

04:02 Loss of Peace and Joy

04:39 Rock Bottom and Turning to God

07:38 Identity and Self-Worth

12:10 Comparison and Approval

13:07 The Source of True Friendship

17:38 Closing Thoughts and Prayer

19:14 Announcements and Farewell

We would love to hear from you.  

Connect with Erin Michele Smith at www.erinmichele.net

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stepstotrusting/ 

Connect with Jenna A Schroeder:

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/jennaaschroeder/  

facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jennaaschroeder 

online: http://www.jennaaschroeder.com 

Transcript

[00:00:00] Erin: Hi, I'm Erin Michelle. Welcome to Steps to Trusting, where it's my goal to meet you where you are in your faith journey and to encourage you to continue to transfer trust from yourself and your actions to the God who is enough.

[00:00:11] If you are like me and you need to be reminded over and over that you don't have to do it all, that you never needed to be enough because we trust a God who is, then you are in the right place. if you have ever experienced difficulty between friends or a broken friendship, then this podcast episode is for you. This podcast conversation is a continuation of my conversation with Jenna Schroeder. On the last episode Jenna and I talked about how sharing vulnerably and honestly can help calm and quiet expectations between friends. If you haven't heard that part of the conversation, I encourage you to start there. That's episode 59.

[00:00:51] In this portion of the conversation, Jenna and I are sharing our experience with broken friendship and how God met us and grew us in that challenge.

[00:01:00] 

[00:01:00] Erin: This lesson of knowing that friendship is a gift from God or knowing how much I need God, not how much I need a friend to step in is really the lesson that I learned in, in a broken friendship.

[00:01:10] And nobody wants to walk through broken friendship or, this stuff. That comes with that broken friendship. And you mentioned earlier grieving, like there's a loss in that. And I think if it weren't for feeling the pain of that. I wouldn't understand in the deep way of how much, what my true need is God what I actually needed was not what I thought I needed.  God provides through friends and that I can offer friendship and how beautiful friendship is, but it points to him like friendship points to him 

[00:01:44] Jenna: what was the catalyst or what pointed you to God? Or the thing that where you realized this is broken 

[00:01:50] Erin: yeah. I mean, you mentioned grief and I think I found myself in this place of bargaining where I was going to fix it all, and I was going to make sure that that friend had what they needed and I was going to show up whenever I could and I was still going to be there for my family and I was going to do all of that.

[00:02:04] Right. And, and it, I think it was really realizing that I couldn't do that. I couldn't show up for my family and keep the schedule that I needed to keep at home and be there when a friend. Like the expectation that they had for me was higher than my life at that point with five kids, was capable of, of showing up for.

[00:02:24] I was on the other end feeling like I could expect of myself to show up and be what that person needed. And I actually had to realize that I was stepping in a place that I wasn't meant to fill. Like, Supposed to look to me, she was supposed to look to God and I was looking to myself to take care of, like, be, be what this person needs instead of being like, God, how are you providing what we need?

[00:02:49] and I think the expectation began to feel not like when friendship started, all of the times that I showed up and all of the. Places we were together and all of that was a gift. That was so lovely. , we loved being together. And then it was like, I have to show up because I should, and I have to do this because it's an expectation but the reality of it is it became like something that I should do instead of something that I offered freely. And I think in that, I was like, I am not doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I think I said earlier, but I was stepping into a place that was. Someone else was supposed to fill, like it was not me that that person, what they needed.

[00:03:27] And I think we can even just, we were talking about belonging. We can offer a place where people belong. We can see them and know them. And yet there is limitations on who we are and what we're capable of. And more to add to that. The passage in James, I think it's James one 17 that says every good and perfect gift is from above.

[00:03:47] I had thought I'm a real good friend because I'm kind or because I can make the sacrifice when I wasn't going, God, thank you that I have this empathetic, quality. you that I care in this way. Thank you. You know, I was just like, Oh, I'm great.

[00:04:03] You know, and. Instead of realizing again, like on both sides, he needed to be the source.

[00:04:09] Jenna: Mm hmm.

[00:04:09] It sounds like you lost your peace about it. I'm sure there is a time period where you felt like you were being so loving and kind and being there for your friend, and that eventually it started to feel like, it was no longer what you were supposed to be

[00:04:26] Erin: Yeah. I would agree. The loss of peace and even just, I know you talk about people finding joy there. I also lost the joy in it. Yeah.

[00:04:35] Jenna: hmm. What a big indicator, right? When we're not in the right space or the right relationship or friendship. It's interesting thing with broken friendships I think for me, I mean, I did have to go a road alone for a long time after some heartbreaking moments with friends but it took that. It took a rock bottom moment for me, too, to realize that I wasn't in a place where I was being celebrated. I wasn't being accepted for who I was I was tolerating behavior toward me that was very much ghosting and targeted and all kinds of, things that, I put up with for a long time and, and not in the same way as you were like, kind of over serving your friend, right?

[00:05:15] Stretching yourself too thin and, and taking yourself out of peace and in a spot where you should be. For me, it was more of like, I was putting up with really poor treatment for so long because in my, my mind, I couldn't imagine that these friends that I've been pouring into for a decade or these people Would ever not love me for who I am, right? Or would, speak poorly about it or not accept me. And it took me a really, really long time to realize what had happened, what was happening because no one was honest. But doing that and going in alone really and grieving led me to turn to God because I was so broken and showed me that that's not where I was being loved.

[00:05:59] That's not what God wanted for me. And. I had to kind of with him pull myself out of it, getting myself back out of bed and back, into loving myself for who I am and realizing my worth and I think without that grief, without that brokenness and without that time I'm afraid of where I would be today. If I had stayed in that relationship. And so it's just really interesting because I think at that time I felt like this is when I really need my friends. I cannot believe they're not here for me during this time and I can't believe all of this heartbreak is happening at the same time. But truthfully, if I look at it in hindsight. God was the one , that I needed and pulled me out of it and showed me other people in my life that could love me in the way that I think he really wanted me to be loved.

[00:06:46] Erin: I think that's something that feels the most heartbreaking about broken friendship there's just so much loss and you just feel like that's what you needed. But I think the piece that is so beautiful is that could have continued to think that friendship . Was what we needed that that was the end of what we needed instead of saying.

[00:07:06] to God, right?

[00:07:08] Jenna: hmm.

[00:07:08] Erin: Just very much. Like you said, hitting rock bottom is what it took for me to see and when you were talking to, I was thinking that like, I don't need my friends to tell me the identity of who I am, but I was trying to earn it from them. 

[00:07:20] Jenna: Mm hmm. Mm

[00:07:20] hmm. 

[00:07:21] Erin: I'm going to be the person who shows up this way so that I will be appreciated this way instead of.

[00:07:26] Knowing who I am and living out of that and kind of having that reality that like, not in a bold way. Like if you don't like who I am, you don't have to be my, 

[00:07:36] I don't mean like that, but, 

[00:07:37] but the reality of saying like, this is who I am at my core. And so if I can't be who I am at my core, then maybe we aren't meant to be close.

[00:07:46] And that in a very soft, loving, like no judgment kind of a way. Yeah. 

[00:07:51] Jenna: Yeah. Yeah. Actually I was doing the same thing, not while I was being, treated poorly. I kept trying to earn, I kept thinking, well, maybe if I do this, maybe if I show up this way, maybe if I keep doing, maybe if I try harder, maybe if I, you know, make her this dinner and make her this dessert and throw her a birthday party.

[00:08:09] And maybe if I, and I kept, kept, kept, kept trying to go to the nth degree to earn someone's Love and, and relationship and respect, and no one should have to do that, right? Not if you're in a real, authentic, loving friendship. No one should have to do that. I'm trying to think of the term, like, scrappling for straws, or I don't know what it is, but it's like, you know trying to get the crumbs and working so hard for it. When there's so many other wonderful people out there who are looking for a good friend and who would love to have me have be at their table and have you at their table I love what you said about that when you're trying to earn it, even though you weren't, you didn't need them to define who you were,

[00:08:50] Erin: For some reason, it felt like I did need that, and I think it took the loss of that, that taken away to actually realize that wasn't what I needed. I think even just like, when we talk about breaking friendship, I think of course we, you know, grieve over the loss of a friend in our life, but I think really it's often grieving over the loss of identity and the loss of self, if.

[00:09:11] People are dealing with what I was dealing with, if they're like me and they were putting their identity in the wrong place, I would say that that that's true about me. My identity. I was relying too much on what people thought of me, a reputation of building my own name as opposed to Like child of God, and it's someone who, not building my name, but bring glory to God's name in how he's.

[00:09:35] Jenna: Hmm.

[00:09:36] Yeah. I think the interesting thing, mine was a little bit the opposite, where it was because of who I am, because of who I was. , that was making. Them not love me. So it was almost like the opposite and it took me a really long time because I thought, why wouldn't my, why wouldn't somebody love me?

[00:09:54] I don't understand, you know, why wouldn't someone like me? And it's, it was almost the opposite, which was devastating and that's, I think for me where my brokenness came from. I felt shocked, but it never changed. Who I thought that I was or should be, I didn't want to change myself, but it did try to earn by doing 

[00:10:17] Erin: for me I don't think it actually changed who I am, but I felt like I had to maintain a title. I wanted to be a good friend. Seen as dependable. I wanted to be seen in those ways. And I think at my core, I didn't change, but feeling like if someone said, Oh, she's not a good friend.

[00:10:37] I 

[00:10:37] felt like I couldn't allow them to say that. Not that they were saying specifically that,​

[00:10:42] was the earning of saying I know who I am. I'm a good friend and I want to be a good friend and I want to prove to you that I'm a good friend so that it doesn't have like a stain on my reputation,

[00:10:58] Jenna: yeah, and that kind of leads me to thinking about how there's so much comparison too, right? Like of friendship cause I feel the same way too. I, I always want to be seen as a good friend. I wouldn't ever want anyone to think that. Anything different. And if for some reason I wasn't being a good friend, I'd want to know. So I could be a better friend. I think it's so important to me and maybe, it's so important to you, I'm guessing is why that would hurt us so much or drive us to make sure that that person knew we were there for them and that's a really honoring thing too, is like, if we want to be there for somebody, you want to be a good friend, it's a beautiful thing. But when it's distorted or taken the wrong way or abused or, not treated appropriately, I mean, that's when we really need to reassess.

[00:11:46] Erin: Yeah. Just even as you were talking about like Eve earlier, I've thought a lot about like how this potentially relates to even the garden and just thinking about like Eve wanted, Eve wanted more. She grabbed the fruit. Most of our listeners know the story, right? And it's like, but I think at the heart of that, she didn't trust God to give her what she needed and she wanted to take it by a different source.

[00:12:11] I think that when I think of identity, it's like I think I am a good friend. I think God made me a good friend. I think that's a part of who I am at my core. But instead of listening to God, I reached for another source to tell me. 

[00:12:25] You know, think of it in that way of like, it still needs to come from God as my source.

[00:12:31] I need his approval over my life. I don't need people's approval. Like, which just makes me think of like, there's a whole way we could go, you know, about people pleasing, but I think that's yeah, I've wanted these people I've wanted, their approval and I don't think it's wrong to want people's approval, but I think it's wrong when I, trade.

[00:12:53] God's approval and what he's done for me and the forgiveness that I have that gives me approval versus me off, trying to earn approval in a different way. I 

[00:13:04] Jenna: that's a really good, good thought. It, it kind of reminds me of that whole Martha Mary situation where it's like, we, we're doing what we do, right? Like we're trying to do in order , to earn our identity or earn the love. And the truth is, We're also Mary, which is, we just are loved. We just are without any doing anything. There's nothing that we can do to earn that it's already there. And I wonder if we operate out of that sense of love that we are loved, that we are created to love, that we are created to be loved. If we operate out of that how much less striving is there, if we can be honest, I think with the people in our life, where we're at, what we need, what we can provide, what we hope for, I think that those conversations can happen. I think our friendships would be so much deeper and so much more rewarding. But I think it takes, I think it takes knowing where our source comes from, knowing that we don't have to be anybody else other than ourselves. And that we were made and created to be this kind of friend, this person, right? And you're a gift, Erin, to the friends in your life. And I'm a gift to the friends in my life and they're gifts to me. But if at any point we need something more or something less, I think, I think it's so important to communicate it. Otherwise it can stay stagnant and become something that we don't want it to be. It's too important to not be honest about, about what we want and what we need.

[00:14:29] Erin: Yeah. And I would say another step, like I love that being honest with people, but then taking another step to say, what I really need is more than this person can offer me because they're not the source, and I think accepting the gift that the people in our lives offer as enough, because they can only, you know, Fulfill us in a way that God allows them to fill us and to a certain point, and then we need to look to him.

[00:14:56] So, yeah, I love, that point of, we should be honest with them. And I think then what I'm trying to say is like, we'd be honest with ourselves too, that we were maybe putting too much pressure on that person.

[00:15:08] Jenna: Mm

[00:15:09] hmm. Oh, 100

[00:15:10] percent agree. And when you look at people in their stages of life, what they've been through, what they haven't been through, I think we can all have, a bigger understanding or grace for them too, because of what they can give and can't give, because maybe they haven't been through that before. Maybe their life isn't set up that way. Maybe they have more time or less time. And when we see each other as humans, you know, as people just trying to do their best, I think it looks a lot different than when we're seeing them out of our hurt or need. 

[00:15:39] Erin: well, I think we just scratched the surface on a bunch of topics about friendship, but I really enjoyed just hearing your perspective and learning from each other. Yeah. And I was wondering if you would be willing to close us in prayer.

[00:15:52] Jenna: absolutely. Lord, I thank you so much for this time with Erin I thank you for all the listeners listening today. Father, I thank you for the gifts of friendship. I thank you for the different characteristics you've placed in each and every one of us to give as an offering to each other. I thank you, Lord, that relationships and community bring joy and they bring support and they bring connection. And I thank you that Lord, that there are places that. That we can feel loved and, and belonged to, I do pray Lord that for those that are in need of friendship and that are feeling lonely father, I pray that you would connect with them, that you would help them to fill your love and your peace, help them to know that nothing separates them from your love. And I do pray that you would provide for them friendships and relationships that grow deeper father, you're a heavenly father that gives good gifts to your children. So I pray that you would give us the good gifts of friendship in our lives. Help us to be the friend you want us to be.

[00:16:53] Help us to live at peace with the people that we love and help us to grow and learn and not to be afraid of being honest and vulnerable with each other. We love you and we thank you so much in Jesus name. Amen.

[00:17:07] Erin: Yeah. Thank you. And thank you for your prayers. 

[00:17:10] Jenna: Thanks for having me.

[00:17:11] Erin: Of course. And I was wondering if you could tell us or tell the listeners where they can connect with you. And I know you have a couple of exciting things coming up too. I would love for you to share. Yeah.

[00:17:20] Jenna: Sure. Yeah. So I have a blog at Jenna a Schroeder dot com. That is inspirational and nice and inspirational emails monthly. Just encourage people to take joy in the little things overcome fear and overwhelm is another part of Things that I write about. I do have a kid's book coming out called Are Enchanted Forest Real? And it's about connection and connecting with your little one and connecting with nature. And there's a little element About overcoming fear in there too, and not being afraid and enjoying nature and what's around you and being together. It's Are enchanted forest's Real?. And you can, get it on Amazon and as well as Little Bird Press Co. You can also find me on Instagram at Jenna A.

[00:18:05] Schroeder, and I would love to be a part of your life and encouraging you in your walk.

[00:18:11] Erin: Jenna, thank you for joining us today and sharing your insights on friendship. I enjoyed our conversation and thank you to all our listeners.

[00:18:19] If this episode encouraged you, would you consider sharing it with a friend? If you want to connect with me, you can find me at Erin Michele. net and all my socials are linked there. I hope you join us back here next time, but till then, I want to leave you with this reminder from Ephesians 2 10, for we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

[00:18:40] Friends, I'm praying for you as you keep on stepping.