Stolen Identity Part II: Restoring What’s Already Yours

In this episode of 'Steps to Trusting,' host Erin Michele continues her enlightening conversation with Mary Rooney Armand. They delve into how 'identity thieves'—pride, fear, unforgiveness, and disappointment—negatively affect our relationships and faith. Mary also introduces 'identity restorers' like gratitude, prayer, and setting boundaries, which help us live confidently in our identity in Christ. With actionable insights and personal anecdotes, this episode provides practical guidance on navigating your faith journey and maintaining healthy relationships. 

We would love to hear from you.  

Connect with Erin Michele Smith at www.erinmichele.net

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stepstotrusting/ 

Connect with Mary Rooney Armand at www.butterflyliving.org 

www.facebook.com/bfl2022

www.instagram.com/butterflyliving_

www.twitter.com/maryrarmand

www.linkedin.com/in/maryrooneyarmand

00:00 Introduction and Purpose

00:21 Continuation of Conversation with Mary Rooney Armond

00:51 Impact of Identity Thieves on Relationships

03:09 People Pleasing and Boundaries

05:14 The Importance of Boundaries

13:16 Identity in Christ and Daily Living

15:58 Identity Restorers

24:36 Closing Thoughts and Prayer

25:33 Connect with Mary and Erin

27:03 Final Encouragement and Goodbye

Transcript

Stolen Identity Part II: Restoring What’s Already Yours

[00:00:00] Erin: Hi, I'm Erin Michelle. You found yourself at Steps to Trusting, where it's my goal to meet you where you are in your faith journey and to encourage you to continue to transfer your trust from yourself and your actions to the God who is enough. 

[00:00:12] If you are like me and you need to be reminded over and over that you don't have to do it all, that you never needed to be enough because we trust a God who is, then you are in the right place.

[00:00:21] This podcast episode is a continuation of my conversation with Mary Rooney Armond. In that conversation, we talked about what Mary calls identity thieves. If you haven't heard that yet, I encourage you to start there. On this episode, we're going to be talking about how these identity thieves affect relationship as well as look at some identity restorers. Let's jump in.

[00:00:45] Erin Michele: All right. So I think actually this flows really well into the next thought I have for you. Can you think of how some of these identity thieves occur in relationships or affect relationships?

[00:00:58] Mary Ronney Armand: Yes, they all affect relationships. 

[00:01:00] So fear. Unforgiveness, pride, and disappointment all affect our relationships. They affect ourselves personally, they affect our faith, our connection with God, but they also affect us horizontally in who we associate with. So probably the biggest one in relationships is unforgiveness. Someone says something or the disappointment, they don't show up, So we don't forgive them, we might get out, forget why we're disappointed, but we hold on to the unforgiveness and the relationship gets fractured it's the big one in relationships and I know unfortunately too many people that have broken off relationships because of unforgiveness. They just cannot get over something that happened. And it erodes the relationship. 

[00:01:59] Pride pride's a big one too, because what Pride does, and this is a big, I think, catch word in our society too, comparison. And that's what Pride. Pride rises up, comparison. Because I'm comparing myself to you. I want to win. I want to seem better up. She got this. Why didn't I get that? And it just really sucks the life out of you and it steals your identity.

[00:02:26] So comparison and pride in relationships are also big. 

[00:02:30] Erin Michele: I had a question for you that I was thinking, do you think people pleasing as an identity thieves? Now, and I see that you have like these four clear. identity thieves that we're first talking about. I'm kind of thinking more people pleasing might be something that it's kind of an action we take in one of those identity thieves

[00:02:48] Mary Ronney Armand: that's what I would, yes.

[00:02:50] Erin Michele: in our lives. So Yeah. I guess. Do you, do you have any input on kind of seeing how things like those actions, what are some actions that are unhealthy, that play out in our lives because of those identity thieves?

[00:03:04] And if you want to start with people pleasing, or if there's some other ones that you think about, I'd love to chat about

[00:03:09] Mary Ronney Armand: So, we can start with people pleasing. So, if I am not confident in my identity, I have a story that someone shared with me. She had just met someone and she asked her to be in her wedding. Now, they were acquaintances, they were not friends. She didn't want to hurt her feelings, so she said yes. But she didn't really want to be in the wedding because she didn't really know the person.

[00:03:37] Erin Michele: Right.

[00:03:39] Mary Ronney Armand: Right. So when we were talking about it, I said, your currency, your time, your love, and your money, you only have, you have a limited supply. So if we're focused on people pleasing, for whatever reason, it could be even pride that causes us to be a people pleaser. Right. I think people, people choose to say yes for different reasons.

[00:04:07] And so I talk a lot about boundaries and when you're confident in your identity with Christ, you can put up a boundary and you can say, Oh, I'm so thankful that you thought of me. I'm just not available to do that.

[00:04:24] That is not people pleasing, but it's not mean. And when I was talking to this young lady, she said, that's what I should have said because it cost her a bunch of money she didn't have. Then what happens? Unforgiveness starts rooting because you look like kind of mad. Why would you ask me to spend this money?

[00:04:43] But it goes back to why did you say yes? What reason if someone called me that I met the grocery store and asked me to be in their wedding? I would say no. So I think it was weird, but then I'd get over that and I'd find a way to be still loving, but no. So what's stopping us from saying no? What, and that's a whole nother conversation.

[00:05:16] I just did a podcast on boundaries. Those lines in your life that are critical To living in your identity. You have to have boundaries. Or you cannot bloom. You will not bloom. And so boundaries are so helpful. It shows where your yes works and where your yes does not work. And the, the books, the Townsend books, Dr.

[00:05:49] Townsend and Dr., they're amazing. They, it really changed my life. I went to a conference a long time ago. I've read and I've taught on their books. I cannot recommend them enough. With your kids, with yourself, everything. They're just critical. And people pleasing and boundaries go hand in hand. That's 

[00:06:17] Erin Michele: I love that you said something about we can have boundaries when we're confident in Christ and how you tied them. You tied that boundary, not just to yourself and your identity, but because we're confident in Christ, that's tied to our identity, right?

[00:06:33] It's not just this The expectations of like, Oh, well, it would be, you'd be a good friend if you said yes to this or you, you know, it's not these arbitrary, like how we see ourselves, but the confidence in Christ of how he sees us and how we live that out. So I love that. And another

[00:06:52] Mary Ronney Armand: why there's power in the pause. We don't have to itch everything and, and, and, you know, the older I've gotten and the closer I've gotten to my relationship with God I'll say, I got to think about that. And then you really do think about it. Is that the best use of my time, money, and love? And not everyone's going to say, oh, okay, Mary, I'm okay.

[00:07:19] You said no to me. You get mad because you say no, but that's their identity crisis. Not mine. If I do it in a loving way, I can't control how they process that. And

[00:07:36] Erin Michele: Yeah, no, I love, I love that. I think. For me personally, I spent a lot of time not holding boundaries and living in that place of I mean, like the girl who said yes to be in the wedding, right? It comes back to me not holding a boundary. I love the Townsend books too, that they've been so important to me 

[00:07:59] Mary Ronney Armand: to live with boundaries, it takes courage.

[00:08:04] Erin Michele: yes.

[00:08:04] Mary Ronney Armand: And that goes back to fear. It takes, you have to overcome the fear of people not liking you. That was a big one for me. I was always very outgoing, extroverted. I wanted everyone to like me. And as you grow closer to Christ and you pivot in your purpose, everyone doesn't like me anymore.

[00:08:29] Because my job is not to be a people pleaser, it's to be a God pleaser. And if I'm a God pleaser, then some people I'm not going to please. You have to pick. That's me.

[00:08:42] Erin Michele: own heart first, I think, you know, to, to say, I am going to choose to be a God pleaser no matter what people think of me. Right. So yeah, that's, I think it's a huge challenge and I think it does take growing into if that makes sense. It's like, it's like, You step in and say, I'm going to be a God pleaser and then somebody throws an expectation at you and you have to learn how to hold a boundary of to learn how to say no and learn how to say, you said, just being a limited person, you know, realizing that everyone's expectations for what they think would be good is not really your identity and what you need to live into.

[00:09:25] And that's, I think it's a really hard process sometimes. And,

[00:09:28] Mary Ronney Armand: a very, very hard process. Very hard, and it takes work.

[00:09:34] Erin Michele: Yeah. One of the other things you said, and I don't know if you were quoting Townsend or the boundaries book, but you said holding lines are critical for us to live in our identity. And I don't know. Just as we're talking about here, holding lines is very hard thing to do.

[00:09:50] It's a very hard thing to do.

[00:09:52] Mary Ronney Armand: That comes from, I also have a blog post on boundaries and my neighbor has two white lines painted on his driveway. So he keeps his car in those white lines and I would walk by and I'd say, why did you paint those white lines? And I used to think about it all the time. I said, it's a visual. So he stays on his driveway. And so when I wrote about boundaries. I'm a visual person, in case you haven't noticed. I have a lot of things I connect to pictures. And so those two white, broad painted lines in his driveway are a reminder to me, is this in my two white lines or will this cause me to be angry or bitter on the other side because it's taking me away from something else?

[00:10:44] And I also say this, yes. Sometimes we jump out of those lines because God calls us to. We're doing this one thing and he says, I need you to jump over here. And I'm not a prisoner to my boundaries, right? I'm always listening to what God's calling me to do. So it's not this hard white line. Because nothing in our faith is a hard white line, except, except in Christ.

[00:11:15] That's our line.

[00:11:17] Erin Michele: Yeah. You also, you also said, I look at those two broad white lines and it just struck me that that word broad, right? He, he doesn't say like, here are these two close lines and live right in them. And you feel like you have to tiptoe in the middle. There is a broad place. And it just I can't think of where the verse is found, but I've just always been encouraged by that verse that talks about setting our feet in, in open places.

[00:11:42] Right. I think it's in the Psalms. I'll have to look it up, but

[00:11:47] Mary Ronney Armand: the broad white line, so I teach kindergartners, and there's one spot in the room, the stage, that they cannot play. So I tell them, you have this big room.

[00:12:01] Erin Michele: right.

[00:12:02] Mary Ronney Armand: Why do you want to come on the stage? Something about us being human. We want to be on that stage. We want to go outside where God's calling us to be.

[00:12:15] God's kingdom is vast. There's so much to do. There's so much joy, love. Why do we choose these things that are unhealthy? Something in us is just so interesting to me. So the whole class, I'm telling someone to get off the stage and it's this tiny stage. It's not even a big stage. So the lines are broad.

[00:12:40] There's lots of yeses in there. Find yours.

[00:12:45] Erin Michele: Right. And if we can focus on who God is and, and, and that, that wide place that he's possessed us in, I think instead of, I think we're often off looking at the thing that we can't do and the limits that we have instead of focusing on the abundance that he has offered us and, and calls us to. Yeah.

[00:13:09] Mary Ronney Armand: Absolutely. I don't know why that is, but it's human nature.

[00:13:13] Erin Michele: It is human nature. Yeah. How would you say finding your identity in Christ has changed your relationship with God?

[00:13:23] Mary Ronney Armand: It's changed everything. You know I'm pretty much a rule follower. I like to check the boxes and I like people like me. I like to be happy. And so when I first became a Christian, I thought that's what it was about. Life was going to be great as a Christ follower. See, but that's not how it is.

[00:13:45] This world is fallen. I live in it. And so I had to change as I grew closer to Christ to realize as I walk through this life, he goes beside me I'm still going to face challenges and it's a relationship, an intimate connection, which strengthens my identity. And I always think of it again, this visual, when I really got this about walking my identity, it was like a curtain was opened and I was like, Oh, I can walk confidently now, I'm free.

[00:14:29] Like, and anytime my flesh wants to close that curtain by one of these thieves, I'm like, no, I'm not going back there. I've already opened the curtain. It's just, it's such a freedom to walk in your identity in Christ. And that's why I'm so passionate about, I wrote a Bible study about it and I like to talk about it.

[00:14:52] Erin Michele: It changes everything. Everything. And my whole blog, Butterfly Living, comes from Romans 6, 4. Because we were buried with Christ, but we rose with Christ, and we can walk in newness of life every day. Just like a butterfly. We're no longer a nasty caterpillar. A worm. Right? We're butterflies. So we need to live to our fullest. Our newest identity, which is in Christ. 

[00:15:26] That verse is so encouraging and how he, he changes us. And it makes me think of the passages as he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. Right. And so A lot of us feel like we're still in the process of that. So you just answered how it's changed your relationship with Christ, but how has that confidence affected your daily living?

[00:15:52] Erin Michele: And I know we talked about relationships a little bit, but if you have more like specifically about that as well.

[00:15:58] Mary Ronney Armand: So we talked about identity thieves, but I also have identity restorers. And so those address your question. So there's three. So reading the Bible and worship. I put together and prayer. That's our connection. You can open up the Bible, I can read a scripture and I say, God, speak to me in this verse. I could have read that verse 20 times and he'll speak to me in a fresh way.

[00:16:33] That restores our identity. And yes, we live a marathon, not a sprint. We are being transformed, but we're not caterpillars. We're no longer a caterpillar. So we tend to want to go back there to that old identity, whether it's a mistake, regret, guilt, shame. But that's what connecting with God does. It restores us, reminds us.

[00:17:06] The second one is gratitude. And I tell my children this all the time. I can tell if your heart is in the right place, if you're grateful, if you're complaining or saying nothing because we have so much to be grateful for. A grateful heart oozes out of people and it is the best way to have an identity check.

[00:17:33] Am I grateful or am I regretting or if I'm comparing? Gratefulness is huge.

[00:17:43] I

[00:17:43] 

[00:17:43] Erin Michele: I was just thinking how, like thinking back to the things that you, that you said, like pride, pride is one that I've, I've looked at before and realizing like you just said, I could see that God has given me something good and not recognize it's from him.

[00:18:00] And then I turned to pride when the reality of it is, is I need to realize that I have something from God and it turns to gratefulness and to praise instead of to pride. And so I'm seeing specifically with that one, a direct correlation. And I think, you know, even just as I'm like, okay, let's look at unforgiveness. If we realize the gift that we've been given in forgiveness, then that changes again, it's like the direct correlation of like, just turning to praise instead of, instead of letting it be so self focused and like, I didn't deserve that and all of that realizing like, yeah, I also didn't deserve for Christ to die for me, but he did, you know?

[00:18:43] And so we're so grateful. It's on the, like how we think we should be treated and what we should get instead of looking at what we have to be grateful for. So that one right there, I think I'm seeing the direct,

[00:18:54] Mary Ronney Armand: Gratefulness is huge. It's, we don't give enough credit.

[00:18:58] Erin Michele: yeah.

[00:19:00] Mary Ronney Armand: If you're in a group of people and you have a conversation, you can, Measure authenticity by gratefulness. You can't separate it. Because we have so much to be grateful for as Christ followers. That should take precedent over everything else. And if my conversation is only laced with the horrible things that happened today, or talking about someone else, that's not grateful for an identity crisis.

[00:19:35] I'm being kidnapped by a lie. And the third restore is really the right people. I call it the light people.

[00:19:45] Erin Michele: The light people like L I G

[00:19:48] Mary Ronney Armand: Yes, the light people because truly who you surround yourself with affects your identity, whether you like it or not. And some people, and someone taught me this 30 years ago, some people add and multiply and some people divide and subtract to your life.

[00:20:16] You have got to spend more time with the adders and multipliers. You can't cut out the dividers and subtractors because sometimes they're in your family. But you can intentionally choose to spend more time with the adders and the multipliers, and your life will change if you do that. Right.

[00:20:43] Erin Michele: to me because I think even just what you said earlier about it's, you know, it's so sad when people because of unforgiveness cut people out of their lives. And I agree with that. And I think that that's true. And I hear you saying too, that doesn't mean everybody needs to be in your life and it doesn't necessarily, or, or in a specific position of influence position of influence in your life.

[00:21:09] Right. And that doesn't necessarily mean. That there's unforgiveness, it might be the boundary and realizing that you need people that are going to help you and point you to Christ and help you to be who God's calling you to be and to live out that identity. So yeah, it's just really encouraging.

[00:21:28] And I, I agree with you too. There are going to be people in our lives that are not always going to look like that. And we have to figure out too, how to allow them a place in our life, but not the place of influence. That's going to turn to be either fulfilling their expectations or expect, or, or being a people pleaser, you know, instead of a God pleaser,

[00:21:54] Mary Ronney Armand: Yeah, and often it's subtle, you know, You can just back away.

[00:21:59] Erin Michele: Yeah.

[00:22:00] Mary Ronney Armand: You can just take tiny steps and back away. And my daughters, I have two daughters. We talk about this a lot. You don't have to make a grand stand about it,

[00:22:11] Erin Michele: Right.

[00:22:11] Mary Ronney Armand: sometimes you do. Sometimes you have to say, we're going in different directions. I love you, but I think I'm going to catch a different train.

[00:22:25] I'm going in a different direction. And they will either backlash and be extremely angry or agree with you. That's the risk you take and that's the boundary. If that boundary needs to be there, that is a risk. And I have taken that risk and I have, you know, it's turned out good and it's turned out poorly.

[00:22:47] Erin Michele: Yeah.

[00:22:48] Mary Ronney Armand: there's no regret there.

[00:22:50] Erin Michele: Yeah. And I think trying to figure out which is, what way is God calling you to walk or take the train? Right. And when you figure out what that is to not let the things of this world distract us from that. And I think that's the boundary of, where is God pointing my life and thinking about that it is in a turning position towards him, right?

[00:23:13] And if, if we realize that the way we're walking is going to set our eyes on something other than him, then we need to, we need to tell people, Hey, you can come with me this direction towards my God. You know, but and I think it's valuable to say, and I think, you know, it's kind of in the underlying of what we're talking about. It does just because someone has their life pointed towards God and you have your life pointed towards God doesn't mean you're still going to be taking the same path, right? You know, it's sometimes God is calling us to different things and different passions and different directions. And so I think that's becomes hard as well. Just worth saying. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:23:54] Mary Ronney Armand: it is, it's true and I, the train analogy I've used in talks I've done where you're on the same train with one and you stop at a station and they get called to a different train going in a different direction. Not saying one train's, you know, one train's going to Florida and one train's going to Texas.

[00:24:12] They're just going different directions. And to be mature enough to say, we have to part here, whether it's conflict or different goals. different, whatever it may be. And when you're growing in your identity in Christ, it's okay to take different trains. 

[00:24:36] Erin Michele: Well, Mary, I'm so thankful for all of the information you shared with us today. I was definitely taking notes and I will get a chance to go back and listen. But I'm sure that that's going to help a lot of people out as they think about identity and restores of identity. So thank you so much.

[00:24:53] Mary Ronney Armand: hope so. I hope it encourages people.

[00:24:57] Erin Michele: And I was wondering if you will be willing to close us in prayer.

[00:25:01] Mary Ronney Armand: Sure. Dear father, thank you for this opportunity to chat with Erin. Lord, I just pray that you take these humble words. Amen. That you've given both of us and you bless people out there. There's so many people living captive. I just pray that it reaches the right parts. Thank you for this opportunity. I never take them for granted and we love you Lord.

[00:25:27] Amen.

[00:25:28] Erin Michele: Amen. Mary, thank you so much.

[00:25:31] Mary Ronney Armand: Thank you. It's a pleasure. 

[00:25:32] Erin Michele: Yeah. Actually, before, before I let you go, I wanted to ask you where can people connect with you if they want to follow up and follow along in your journey?

[00:25:42] Mary Ronney Armand: So if you Google Butterfly living all one word, you will see all the places I'm on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. You can subscribe@butterflyliving.org and I only send usually two blog posts a month and one newsletter. and it's encouragement related to your personal life, your spiritual life and your relationships and parenting.

[00:26:09] Those four areas. And I would love to have anyone who wants to join in to join us.

[00:26:15] Erin Michele: Terrific. Thank you. All right. I also know you have a book that's out. Would you be willing to share with us what that is about?

[00:26:22] Mary Ronney Armand: Yes, I'm so excited. 34 authors. We each told a story and it's called life changing stories and it's available on Amazon and it's stories of transformation. It's stories where God met each of these authors and revealed himself. through a situation and they're all really different and really beautiful.

[00:26:43] And I also have a Bible study called identity that goes into what we discussed today.

[00:26:49] Erin Michele: Terrific. Thank you so much. Mary, thank you so much for joining us today. I'm really thankful for this conversation with you. It's been a blessing to me already, so I'm sure it's going to bless our listeners as well. 

[00:27:01] Erin: Thanks so much for joining me today. If you were encouraged, please like, subscribe, and share with a friend. If you want to connect with me, you can find me at erinmichelle. net. That's Michelle with one L. There you can find links to my socials as well as sign up and receive my free gift, a Bible journaling resource to help encourage you your trust from yourself and your actions to the God who is enough. I hope you join us back here next time Until then, I wanted to leave you with this reminder from Ephesians 2 10. For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Friends, I'm praying for you as you keep on stepping.